Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.
James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.
This past week, Geert Wilders, Grand Wizard of The Dutch Party for Freedom, paid a visit to the newly elected American President to ‘discuss the ongoing relationship’ between the two countries.
Tensions of all sorts were reported to have run high during the encounter, but both parties came away satisfied. Over a cigarette afterwards, Trump promised that the two countries could continue to have a mutually beneficial relationship as long as the United States came first.
‘I’ll never ban you, liefje‘, crooned the president after giving Geert a taste of his signature dirty-hands politics. ‘I keep my friends close.’
Wilders remarked that Trumps’ ‘gentle, tiny-handed touch’ was a nice change from ‘limp and shriveled’ European politicians like President of the European University Association (EUA), Rolf Tarrach, who condemned the visit amongst travel ban controversy.
Fortunately for Geert, Donald had similar thoughts on it. A Trump aide commented that his visit was ‘a welcome change’, after the President’s recent rough string of meetings with various global leaders (most notably, hanging up ‘prematurely’ on Australia’s Malcolm Turnbull).
A taboo relationship?
The rushed visit came despite widespread Dutch opposition to Trumps’ travel ban. Representing the University of Groningen, the EUA and the Dutch Union of Universities released statements decrying the executive order, calling it ‘deeply concerning’, ‘unnecessary’, and ‘SAD!’. Geert, however, dismissed the claims, saying that Rolf Tarrach was just ‘jealous’ he didn’t have Geert ‘all to himself anymore’.
Geert’s aides noted that the decision for the visit was made as several other countries attempted to replicate the Ministry of Foreign Affairs’ wildly successful ‘viral diplomacy’ video: ‘America first, Netherlands second‘.
‘They were trying to steal Donnie away from us’, pouted Representative Wilders. ‘It was imperative that we acted fast.’
The UK asked Wilders’ secretary if he had a message to the 140 people at the university from countries affected by the travel ban. His secretary said that he did not, and added that, ‘even if he did he wouldn’t want to talk to nerds like you anyway.’