Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.
James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.
A second year psychology student died of embarrassment this week after his laptop began to play music at full volume in the middle of the previously silent first floor of the UB.
Sources say he went into convulsions mere seconds after the sappy love song began to turn heads, and died on the floor frothing at the mouth just minutes later.
‘It was horrible’, said a witness. ‘The worst part was that because he was messing around on the floor, someone else actually had to go shut off his music.’
The student, who won’t be named out of respect for his memory, was rushed to the hospital where he was pronounced dead. According to doctors, his subconscious simply ‘chose’ to stop breathing.
This incident did not occur in isolation, either. At least three other students this year have suffered similar fates — a fact that hasn’t gone unnoticed by medical authorities. An epidemiological study conducted by UMCG researchers concluded that nearly every single person in the Netherlands between the ages of 15 and 30 is living with a high risk of suffering lethal embarrassment. Unfortunately there’s not much that can be done about it.
‘It’s just a part of growing up’, said a doctor. ‘Like chicken pox, or puberty. Most people don’t get a lethal dose, and after a couple small embarrassments the body starts producing antibodies for it.’
Due to the affliction’s unpredictable nature all attempts thus far to create a vaccine have failed.
‘You know how you have to get a new flu vaccine every year?’ continued the doctor. ‘It’s like that, but you’d need a new one every week, and it would change depending on what specific category of embarrassment you’re at risk of being exposed to on a daily basis.’
According to the medical report, that the incident in library was notable because opening one’s laptop while music is still playing would normally fall under the category of ‘mundane embarrassment’ which is rarely lethal. However, in this case symptoms were exacerbated by the preceding silence, and the presence of a large number of judgmental peers.