Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.
James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.
In the spirit of Halloween, the university announced this week that many students are to be subjected to exams that could be worth up to 100 percent of their grade.
‘I think I saw a horror movie like this once’, said one student. ‘You’re trapped in a room and have to complete a horrible task… what was it called? Saw?’
Students are trying their best to cope, but say that it’s hard when people have plastered the walls with ominous messages like, ‘Good luck, MUAHAHAHA!’, ‘It’ll all be over soon…’ and ‘Your fate awaits’.
The university is pulling out all the stops to make the entire process as unsettling as possible. The interior of the Aletta Jacobshal has been painted entirely orange, the color of Halloween, and examinees are required to have their IDs on display for the duration the test to make sure they aren’t someone – or something – else.
Missing The Point
Critics of the move say that it’s ‘missing the point’ of Halloween.
‘The fun of it is being scared while also knowing you’re safe’, said a psychology lecturer. ‘The thing is, with this, the students aren’t safe. These exams have real-world implications. Not to mention all the spiders they’ve been releasing into the Aletta Jacobshal are just a disaster waiting to happen.’
These criticisms have largely fallen on deaf ears. Though this might not entirely be the fault of the administration. It’s been a noisy week at the academy building. When UKrant reporters went to conduct an interview there, they were told to just ‘ignore’ the disembodied wailing echoing around the halls.
After much difficulty, they managed to obtain this statement:
‘People have been saying it’s just a Halloween prank… it’s not. These exams will be sticking around’, said an administrator. ‘And to the students we say: “Good luck. Learn like your life depends on it, because it does”.’