Abandoned as an infant high in the mountains of Colorado, James was taken in and raised by a family of marmots. They trained him in the art of satire, but warned him: ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ He didn’t understand the truth of their words until his adopted rodent brother, Donald Trump’s hair, turned to the dark side.
James could only sit by and watch, helpless and appalled, as his evil brother meme’d his way to the White House. Forever changed by what he had seen, James fled to The Netherlands and vowed to always use his powers for good.
The discovery of a fertility cult operating out of the basement of the religious studies faculty has raised eyebrows throughout the university.
Administration has opened an official investigation into all extracurricular activities offered at the faculty of theology and religious studies after it was discovered last week that several PhD students have allegedly operated a fertility cult in the basement for the past several weeks.
Sources inform us that the greater administration was livid to learn of the cult. The PhD students who acted as cult leaders, though they insist their involvement was motivated purely by academic interest, could face expulsion.
‘I tried to tell them’, said an anonymous PhD, ‘cults are explicitly mentioned in our contracts as ‘improper use of university resources’. It was only a matter of time before they got found out.’
Though the university at large is moving to take stern action, staff at the theology faculty itself struck a surprisingly conciliatory tone.
‘Virtually every student of religious studies will end up dabbling in a bit of sex-cult stuff at some point’, said Professor van Ruiten when asked to comment, ‘God knows I did. But it has a time and a place, and that place is not in the basement of this faculty. There are very important books down there. Powerful books. One minute you’re performing a couple of harmless fertility rites, next thing you know, WHAM! Accidentally summoned a demon! What are you going to do now?’
The professor later clarified that ‘What are you going to do now?’ was a rhetorical question, and in the event of having actually summoned a demon students should call a lecturer immediately.